The Enterprise Rules
by Mockingeagle
Summary: Starfleet Command makes it the job of Enterprise's senior staff to make rules for the ships crew and even themselves but they couldn't have predicted the things the crew is up to and no one's trying to gloss the insanity over.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note (please read): While this is not my first "rules" fanfiction, it is my first "Star Trek" rules fanfiction. Yes, I was inspired to write it by the wonderful rules writer Saphura but by the second chapter you'll see I've done this in a unique sort of way and hopefully my rules are new too. However, this chapter is not very unique at all but this is how all rules from the admirals will be written. The chapters after this that are written by the senior staff are the ones written in a sort of IM format but you'll see that next Sunday. I have a handful of chapters written already but (as always) I'm...scared to post this...so a (good) review would be much appreciated from those who read this (if this gets read at all) to let me know you want me to post more. I repeat, these rules are written by the admirals. **

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Chapter 1 - Laying Down the Law

1. You are not to paint "Only Ship in the Fleet" under U.S.S. _Enterprise_ on the saucer section of the ship. We aren't sure who instigated that but if it's still there when you reach Starbase 15 you will be in so much trouble!

2. You are not to attempt to go into warp upside down ever. EVER! How did you get upside down?

3. We don't care if you think the red uniform shirts are cursed, you are not to release all 400 or so into the Romulan neutral zone. They are not happy about it.

4. The song "Star Trekking" by The Firm is not to be broadcast on subspace channels.

5. You are not to play "dead in the water" when another Federation ship is in the area. Think of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" and we're sure you'll understand why this is a bad idea and that it isn't as funny as you think it is.

6. The view screen is not to be used to screen movies or holo-shows. Especially since you can't decide on what to watch and call Starfleet Command to help you all to come to a consensus. The worst part is that the person you got a hold of helped.

7. Prank calls to admirals are to cease and desist immediately. We know it's you Kirk.

8. "Whoa, you're ugly!" is not a proper way to greet Klingons you're trying to negotiate with. You nearly started an inter-planetary war with that one.

9. Commander Spock is not a reliable substitute for the ship's computer Captain Kirk, so don't even try it. We don't care if you're getting irritated with the computer's responses. Mr. Spock will probably say the same thing as the computer when you ask him "How awesome am I?"

10. They're called the _LAWS_ of physics for a reason. Mr. Scott is not to try to break them all as a hobby.

11. You may not form a ship's cheerleading squad. We don't care how catchy the cheers are.

12. Captain Kirk cannot mutiny against himself. We know for a fact that the only reason he disobeyed his own direct order and told security to lock him in the brig was because he had a hangover.

13. If you are not in orbit of the planet you are supposed to be in orbit of get out of orbit of that planet and go to the one you are supposed orbit. We're rolling our eyes at you right now.

14. Lt. Nyota Uhura is not to decode any messages she's not supposed to. Especially ones accidentally sent to the _Enterprise_ by one of the admirals that pertained to a rash he had on his buttocks that led to teasing from Captain Kirk. Incessant, horrible- When I get my hands on you Kir- Please disregard the previous sentence.

15. If it sounds illegal for a starship to do, than don't do it. Simple as that. Simple if you aren't the _Enterprise_ crew, that is.

16. Lt. Hikaru Sulu and Ensign Pavel Chekov are not to attempt _that _experiment ever again. We don't need to say what _that_ was but it was an international incident on a planet that must now be classified because of _that. _Yes, we realize we have no proof they did _that_ but we are capable of making educated guesses.

17. Dr. Leonard McCoy may be as belligerent to the officers aboard the _Enterprise_ as he wants to regardless of rank as long as they allow him to. He may not, however, be belligerent to Ambassador Sarek of Vulcan just because he's ticked off with Commander Spock.

18. No means no, Kirk, even if Lt. Uhura can find a word in another language that sounds like no but means yes.

19. You're driving us crazy. Yes, that's a rule.

20. Captain James T. Kirk, First Officer Spock, Chief Medical Officer Leonard McCoy, Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott, Lieutenant Nyota Uhura, Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu and Ensign Pavel Chekov are charged with updating this list of rules as regularly as required with rules pertaining to the, to be frank, insanity that happens aboard the starship _Enterprise_. The captain of this vessel, its crew and the vessel itself bring new definition to the phrase "floating psycho ward". Best of luck.

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**So...should I write more? Should I never write another chapter again? Please let me know in a review. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: And here I was expecting to update this on Sunday but the response has been so great (5 reviews for just the first chapter, that's never happened before) that I figured I could change my update schedule for Sundays and Wednesdays. So, it the good reviews keep coming then I'll keep updating. Oh, and I forgot this before, I do not own Star Trek but if I did there'd be a new series on TV and it would be good. So, read, REVIEW and enjoy :) First is the initial of the person who is writing the rule and it's followed by the rule number. **

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**JTK- Kirk**

**S- Spock**

**LM- Dr. McCoy**

**MS- Scotty**

**NU- Uhura**

**HS- Sulu**

**PC- Chekov**

**CC- Nurse chapel**

**JR- Janice Rand**

**KR- Kevin Riley**

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Chapter 2- Let's Get It Started

Captain Kirk sat at the conn. rereading the recent message from Starfleet Command. They did have a point. Some pretty crazy things went on with the _Enterprise_ and its crew. Some rules would be necessary. Well, he could write down the rules but whether or not anyone obeyed them was another thing entirely. Ah well. He forwarded the message to the members of his crew who would now have to follow and make these rules and figured he might as well start right away.

JTK21: Mr. Sulu and Mr. Chekov are not to reenact the Russo-Japanese War on the bridge. By that I mean, can the bickering.

JTK22: There is a time and place for bickering and if Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy bicker at the wrong time in the wrong place one more time I'm sending them to couples' counseling.

JTK23: Any and all bickerers will be shot on sight. Okay, maybe not shot on sight but yelled at on sight definitely.

JTK24: The computer secretly thinks I'm awesome.

JTK25: Pon farr is strictly forbidden on this ship.

S26: Captain Kirk is not allowed to forbid normal biological functions.

JTK-You can understand why.

S- Regardless, I countermand your rule.

S27: Rule 25 is to be considered null and void.

NU28: Stay out of my room if you don't have permission to be in there.

JTK- What happened?

NU- Just some ensigns. They're currently limping to sickbay.

JTK- Good for you.

LM29: Nyota Uhura is trained in hand-to-hand combat so don't come to my sickbay crying that you didn't know she could hit that hard.

NU- Thanks Dr. McCoy.

LM- No problem, just remember to report those two morons.

MS30: Do not wrap frilly pink lace around the warp engines.

HS- I think Pavel did that

PC- Did not, Hikaru.

MS31: Whoever wrapped the lace around the engines is dead when I find them.

PC32: Death threats are strictly forbidden.

MS- So it was you!

JTK33: Seriously, no death threats.

JTK- Mr. Chekov will be properly reprimanded for his actions.

MS- Thank you, sir.

S34: The bridge is not to be used for an all women's lock in.

S35: You are not to spray a superior officer with silly string and then proceed to throw confetti on him when he walks in on your unauthorized lock in.

NU- You knew we were having the lock in.

S- You did not have permission to have it on the bridge and would not be allowed to have it on the bridge in any case had you asked.

NU- :p

JTK36: You aren't allowed to stick your tongue out at a superior officer.

S37: The rules are not to be used to resolve arguments.

HS38: Don't play with objects you've forgotten are sharp.

LM- You stabbed yourself with your rapier again, didn't you?

HS- I should be in sickbay in a few minutes.

LM39: Bi-monthly physicals are not optional.

PC40: Washing dishes started in Russia.

HS- That isn't a rule and I see that they put you on dish washing duty in the galley as punishment. I'd laugh but I think if I make any more sudden movements Dr. McCoy might strap me down.

PC- Then stop typing.

JTK- NO BICKERING! Hah, just implemented rule 23 :)

MS41: You are not to have picnics in engineering.

HS42: Do not, under any circumstances, make any sudden movement when Dr. McCoy is trying to treat you.

JTK- That's a good rule Mr. Sulu.

HS- Thanasdgjklgf;lkwr

JTK- O_o

S- LOL, Mr. Sulu. I'm guessing Dr. McCoy ripped his PADD from his hands.

JTK- I'm sure but did you really just laugh Spock?

S- No.

JTK- But you just typed LOL, you know, laugh out loud.

S- :F I was told that it meant Logic Over Lunacy.

JTK- They lied and why did you use a drooling emoticon.

S- I was told that meant fascinating.

JTK43: Mr. Spock is forbidden from using emoticons until he's properly researched them.

JTK44: Do not tell people emoticons mean one thing when they mean something else entirely.

NU45: My communications station is not to be used to send personal messages. Least of all to call all your friends to tell them you just won a bet.

MS46: I am not to be called Chief In-Love-With-The-_Enterprise_.

LM47: Do not steal furniture out of peoples' offices.

LM- I want my desk back NOW!

LM48: You may not hide in the Jefferies tubes to avoid your physicals en masse.

S49: There is no such thing as Mind Meld Day. If this crew attempts to celebrate it again I am locking myself in my quarters.

JTK50: The crew of the U.S.S. _Enterprise_ is the best crew in the fleet.

Starfleet Command looked over the rules that had recently been sent to them by Captain Kirk. The conversations in between had been left in and they couldn't help but think that they were lucky this particular crew was indeed the best because otherwise most of them would have to be locked up in an asylum.

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**So...Love it? Hate it? Let me know in a review. Reviews make me post chapters/write more rules :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry, I know I said I'd post Sunday but I was so busy I didn't have time. It won happen again. Read, REVIEW and Enjoy :)**

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**JTK- Kirk, S- Spock, LM- McCoy, MS- Scotty, NU- Uhura, PC- Chekov, HS- Sulu, CC- Nurse Chapel, JR- Janice Rand, KR- Kevin Riley**

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Chapter 3- The Plot of the Ninja Nurses

Captain Kirk sat in his quarters reading the day's reports. Some incidents particularly stuck out. He had to have the craziest crew in the fleet. He started typing knowing the others would no doubt join in the minute he started.

JTK51: You are not to put "No Trespassing" signs on the doors of the turbo lifts so you can have uninterrupted make-out sessions. I didn't need to walk in on that.

JTK52: The nurses are not plotting to take over the ship. Where would you get an idea like that?

PC- They work for Dr. McCoy, that's reason enough to be paranoid about them.

NU53: It's called the LADIES room. Try that again and I'll give you to the nurses.

MS54: No ancient car engines are to be assembled in the Engine Room. That is not the reason it's called the Engine Room.

LM55: The bio-beds are not to be used as tables for fancy, romantic dinners.

PC56: I will not navigate the ship to the nearest fast food restaurant. I got in trouble for doing that the one time I did do it and I don't like dish washing duty in the galley.

HS57: Do not attempt to escape Dr. McCoy's nursing staff before you're officially released. They're like ninja.

PC- You see. I told you. They're out to take over the ship

NU- Quiet Pavel, leave the poor nurses alone. They work hard with very little thanks.

S58: You are not allowed to set up a black market.

JTK- We have a black market? What do they sell?

S- They've been operating out of the Jefferies tubes. They've been selling hypo-sprays.

JTK59: The Jefferies tubes are not to be used for anything but their designated purpose.

LM60: Do not steal the hypo-sprays to sell on the black market.

HS- The plot of the ninja nurses thickens.

LM- What are you talking about Sulu?

PC- Oh, we're decently sure you know what we're talking about.

NU61: I am not the ship's jukebox. While I have no problem singing a song or two over the intercom to the lonely souls in the lower decks you may not hand me a quarter (which are useless now, may I remind you) and request a song. Least of all "I'll Take You Home Again Kathleen".

JTK62: You may not use the ship wide intercom to inform everyone that you just died. Clearly you haven't if you can announce it.

MS63: You may not use the Engine Room for Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

S64: You may not remove a crewmember's brain without his express permission. There isn't a very high likelihood that someone will ask you to remove their brain anyway.

JTK65: The Vulcan lirpa are not allowed on this ship. Don't ask why.

S- I did apologize for that incident.

JTK- I just can't look at them anymore is all.

S- Oh.

JTK66: Officers who've been aboard longer are not to inform the new members of the crew that I am a god and that they must pay tribute to and bow to me.

MS67: Stop painting the torpedoes pink. I better not find out it's you Chekov.

PC- I'm still in the galley washing dishes during my free time.

HS- I'm still in sickbay (with McCoy's nurses) so it wasn't me.

NU68: Phasers are not to be used to reenact western shoot outs.

NU- There is now a large hole where a wall once was in rec. room 5 and the people from maintenance are fuming.

S- It is illogical to take the time to throw the fit they are currently throwing instead of repairing the wall.

LM- For once I have to agree with him.

S69: There is such a thing as a Vulcan risk and it is much more logical than human risk taking.

LM- Whatever you say.

MS70: Klingons can and will take their best shot.

JTK71: Mr. Sulu is not too sexy for his shirt, especially in the corridors with a rapier.

S72: No female member of this crew is too sexy for their shirts. Ignore what Captain Kirk says on the matter.

NU73: There is no section of this ship that is clothing optional.

JTK- Do I want to know?

HS- Probably not but Nyota, Pavel and I took care of it and I am finally out of the lair of the ninja nurses who are plotting to take over the ship.

MS74: There is no "Talk Like Scotty" day.

JTK- :)

LM75: Sickbay is not a proper place to hold a séance.

PC76: "The voices told me to" is not a good reason for messing with the course setting.

HS77: Neither is the nurses told me to.

NU- What did I tell you about the nurses.

PC- But they were the ones holding the séances, stealing the hypos and selling them on the black market.

HS- Not to mention their ninja skills.

NU- Ugh

S78: Please do not randomly come onto the bridge and scream "the British are coming". Such an act is without a logical reason unless, of course, the British _are_ coming.

CC79: Nurses should be treated with the utmost respect and worshipped as the goddesses they are. The male nurses, however, can go jump off a cliff.

S- Nurse Chapel, you are not permitted by Starfleet Command to make any rules.

PC- It's starting.

HS- Lock yourselves in your rooms, arm yourselves and make sure to have a surplus of food stored in your quarters.

NU- Really you two, don't be ridiculous.

MS- That's not what the nurses who've taken over Engineering think. I think they think this is quite serious.

LM- Where are all the nurses, sickbay is empty of them.

S- Please reference the previous messages.

LM- Oh boy.

JTK80: The nurses are not to attempt to take over the ship by selling time-released sedatives in hypo-sprays through the black market to knock out a third of the crew, summoning an evil spirit and attempting to take over vital sections of the ship. Seriously, I'm not going to press charges but this is your only warning. Don't try it again! I don't care if you think you aren't appreciated at least you don't have my job.

Starfleet Command's response regarding the latest rules came early the next day. It was short, to the point and blunt. Captain Kirk forwarded it to everyone who wrote the rules. It said, "ARE YOU ALL INSANE!" His response was as equally short but sweet. Yes.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Dagnabit! I said I wasn't going to forget to post on the days I said I would again and what do I do? I forget! Oh well :) At least you get a new chapter now and with Summer Vacation fast approching I won't be distracted by school which is the main reason why I forget. Stupid school trying to make me smart and all that. Too bad I can't get paid to write this stuff. Anyway, read REVIEW (so I know that I should keep posting) and Enjoy :)**

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Chapter 4- Seriously?

Captain Kirk read over the day's rules while sipping his coffee in the rec. room while Spock was setting up for another game of 3-D chess. He merely raised an eyebrow when Jim had to spit the coffee he'd been trying to drink back into the mug. Man oh man; these were even better when you reread them. He could only imagine what Starfleet Command would have to say about these rules. They'd started out tame enough but what they turned into was insane.

JTK81: If it can be summoned with a creepy chant than it's probably dangerous.

NU82: I am not the Sailor Scout of Earth. What the heck is a Sailor Scout?

PC83: I am not The Amazing Cosmonaut.

NU- You too, what's with the strange rash of weird nicknames going around?

PC- I think it's something the newbies started.

S84: You may not have a parade at Christmas time complete with floats, balloons, etc. to celebrate Pancake Day.

NU- Who celebrates Pancake Day over Christmas.

MS- Crazy people.

S- Illogical people.

LM- And some say Spock's heart grew two sizes that day.

S- Should my heart begin growing to an abnormal size I believe I should report to sickbay immediately.

JTK- You've never read "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"? It's a classic.

LM85: Wrestling tournaments are not to be held in sickbay.

MS86: No rioting in Engineering.

HS87: I will not teach you fencing if you're just going to use what you've learned to reenact pirate battles.

PC- You've got to admit, it made lunch a whole lot more interesting.

MS- More like annoying.

JTK88: "MINE!" is not the proper way to respond when a superior officer asks to see your tri-corder.

S89: Captain Kirk is not a mother; his son would not have been a doctor. That "son" was a machine called Nomad and it thought the captain was its creator.

JTK- My little boy, blown to bits before he could even make it to med school.

LM- The look on Spock's face when you started up that tirade on the bridge was priceless.

HS90: My nickname is not The Power Ranger, what are you talking about.

NU91: Stop making no sense

PC- That sentence makes no sense.

PC92: Sentences must make sense.

JTK- What did I say about resolving arguments with the rules.

NU – Sorry captain.

PC - Sorry Mom.

JTK- :(

PC- I mean captain.

HS- You mean "keptin"

PC- I "sink" you should shut up Hikaru.

HS- I don't talk with an accent

LM93: You may not make fun of anyone with an accent of any sort.

LM- I was getting sick of that.

JTK94: Why was an order placed for 500 umbrellas? We're in space, when are we all going to need an umbrella. Seriously? We do not need umbrellas in space.

S- No, I imagine not.

S95: If you're going to place large orders of something make sure it's something we will all need.

JTK- We didn't need _500_ umbrellas!

LM96: Sickbay's a good place to go when you're injured…even if it's a bullet wound. WHY DO YOU HAVE A BULLLET WOUND?

S- Nurse Chapel, I believe you should check the doctor's blood pressure.

CC- Right away, sir.

LM97: Nurse Chapel is not my mother.

CC- Doctor, get out of that Jefferies tube. You're disobeying your own rule.

LM- That was only in regards to physicals.

S98: Dr. McCoy may not hide from Nurse Chapel when she's trying to ascertain his current state of health.

LM- You pointy eared, green blooded hobgoblin.

JTK - Get out of the Jefferies tube Bones.

LM- Fine!

CC- Thank you, Captain.

NU99: Enough obsessing over each other's necks, it's creepy.

JTK100: Same goes for each other's teeth.

NU- Seriously?

PC- I think we may have a vampire problem on our hands.

HS- This is where you tell us Dracula was invented in Russia.

PC- Sort of, yes.

HS- I'm looking that up.

S- Sir, I've been getting complaints from several decks that a man running around with a black cape on has been terrorizing people.

JTK- Well, it's either Dracula or Batman.

S- Excuse me?

JTK- *sigh*

JTK101: No terrorizing people while wearing a black cape.

NU- Sir, the man who was wearing a black cape and terrorizing people just got on the turbo lift. I think I heard him tell the computer to take him to the bridge.

JTK- Well that's weird because the turbo lift just arrived, it opened but no one was on it.

S- It could be that something is wrong with the computers.

PC- Hey, did anyone else notice that Scotty stopped talking many a rule back?

HS- I just commed Engineering, he's not down there.

NU- That's not like him at all, he'd sleep in Engineering if the captain would let him.

JTK- Focus on your work everyone.

JTK102: There's no such thing as vampires.

LM103: Or Batman.

S104: Garlic cloves will not be mass produced by the replicators.

NU105: Neither will holy water.

HS106: Or crucifixes and wooden stakes.

PC107: We are all doomed.

S- Sir, something is going on in transporter room 1, security says they've captured… a vampire.

JTK- And what is the identity of our culprit.

S- It appears Mr. Scott grew bored with our conversation and decided to "liven" things up.

JTK- Guess who's replacing Chekov as dish washer?

S- The only logical answer would be Mr. Scott, sir.

LM- No, really?

LM108: You are not to dress up as a vampire and run around the ship to make the day more interesting.

S109: Place to place transport on a ship is highly dangerous, you could very well end up in wall, so do not use it to play pranks. Not even if your calculations are nearly flawless.

JTK110: SERIOUSLY!

Yeah, Starfleet Command was going to just love this one.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Free, free at last! SummerSummerSummer VACATION! Which means I'm finally able to post again, but my long absence means I have no idea whether or not anyone is still interested in the this which means if you read this it'd be nice of you to let me know. So, read REVIEW and Enjoy :) and hopefully I'll be able to start posting a little more regularly so long as life doesn't get in the way. **

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Chapter 5- Fashion Nonsense

Captain Kirk was well aware that not everyone liked the uniforms they had to wear. He was also aware that some people aboard were extreme fashionistas. He was even willing to concede that security officers had every reason to want a change to their uniform considering the rate of red shirt deaths. He felt that he was very understanding about uniforms but he wished his crew would realize that there was nothing he could do about it and their protests, however passive, were both useless and irritating.

JTK111: You are not to skip down the corridors singing "I'm so pretty, I'm so pretty and witty and cute" in a hazmat suit.

S112: Please, do not replace my uniform shirts with bikini tops. I will only replicate new uniform shirts so your efforts are in vain.

HS- Not entirely, you did have to come onto the bridge shirtless when they reprogrammed all the replicators to refuse to make clothing.

S- Yes, there was that incident. Thankfully they are most fearful of the captain.

NU113: Do not go into any female crewmember's quarters and cut their dresses shorter than they already are.

PC114: Clothes were invented in Russia.

HS- Now that one is just silly Chekov.

LM115: Kindly return my scrubs and take back the extremely dress like aprons you replaced them with, whoever you are.

HS116: I want my kimono back, now.

JTK- That isn't a rule.

S - Considering clothes' tendency to disappear and reappear randomly of late that is a perfectly sensible rule, Jim.

JTK- You have a point.

MS117: There'll be no Livin' La Vida Loca in my Engine room. You hear?

PC- O_o

MS- It wasn't pretty and you don't want to know anymore than that.

PC- I will take your word for it.

JTK118: The next person to say "how now brown cow" dies.

S- What happened to your death threat rule?

JTK- Have you ever had those words repeating in your head for two hours straight.

S- No.

JTK- Well it's enough to drive a person insane, trust me.

LM- Sort of like you, Spock.

NU119: Fashion shows are not to be held in the galley.

PC- Aw, come on Nyota.

HS- It made dinner more interesting.

NU- More crowded. No arguing.

MS120: Whoever's been going into my room and cutting holes in my pants needs to quit it, now.

S121: "Nobody did it" is not a person and you are not to blame them for something we know you did.

LM- Was that an attempt at humor Mr. Spock?

S- No, someone actually did that.

HS122: Now my shoes are gone, I want them back.

PC123: My shoes are gone too.

JTK- That's definitely not a rule. Right?

S- I reference my previous comment on the matter.

JTK- I'm still not sure about that one.

LM124: The nurses are not to have a tea party in my office and refuse to let me in MY office.

CC- :p

LM- Very mature response Nurse Chapel, very mature.

JTK125: Scotty, you seriously need to stop threatening death on the engineers you're in charge of. I know they aren't nearly as in love with the _Enterprise _as you are but it doesn't boost morale to have a death threats hanging over your head as you work.

S- He once told me he would sit on the engines and nurse them.

JTK126: Scotty, don't get creepy with engines.

MS- Oh, that Vulcan wouldn't get a joke if it bit him on one of his pointy ears.

S- How would a joke be able to bite me Mr. Scott?

MS- Y'see what I mean Captain.

NU127: Do not place "wanted dead or alive" posters on the corridors with pictures of your shipmates on them.

HS128: Or of my plants.

PC129: Don't try to kill plants.

JR130: Do not use my hair for checkers.

JTK- Yeoman Rand, you aren't allowed to make rules.

JR- Than you make it a rule. I'm getting sick of it happening every time I'm in the rec. room.

JTK- Alright, alright.

JTK130: Do not use Yeoman Rand's hair for checkers.

PC131: At least not without her permission.

MS132: Where's my kilt?

JTK- That's definitely not a rule, right Spock?

S- Must I reference my previous comment on the matter once again?

JTK- No.

S133: If I must repeat myself more than once I will not repeat myself.

PC- You are disobeying rule 91, stop making no sense.

NU- You said that rule made no sense.

JTK- Children… don't be mean to Mr. Spock and don't argue.

S- They are not your children.

JTK- I'm trying to fill the hole Nomad left in my heart, Spock.

S- That is highly illogical.

MS- Jokes are to Spock as oil is to water.

S- Oil and wat-

LM- Quiet Spock!

LM134: The nurses have told me that their dresses have all disappeared. They're running around here in their nightgowns and they're none too happy. If you don't want to get hunted down I suggest you return them.

NU135: I want everything that was taken from my bottom drawer back NOW!

MS- What was in your bottom drawer lass?

NU- Mind your own business Scotty.

MS- Oh, you know it's just rude to take a woman's underw-

NU- Scotty!

HS136: Now the only clothes I have left are the clothes I'm wearing. I want all my clothes back. Please.

PC137: My shoes are back but all my shirts are gone.

MS138: My kilt still isn't back!

S139: Please do not replace my pants with tutus.

JTK- How on earth are they doing this?

HS- Sir, a report just came in. It seems security was behind disappearing clothes problem.

JTK140: What is with you people and yours and other peoples' uniforms? Stop protesting! I can't do anything about it.

Kirk later found out this set of rules made the admirals walk out the meeting room without a single word. On some level he felt as though that was a truly great accomplishment.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I know I promised more updates since it was summer vacation but I've been so busy I just haven't had time between redoing my geometry class online, taking care of my Mom because her asthma is acting up and cleaning my room out. It's been really stressful and it doesn't look like there's break on the horizon so you're lucky to get this at all. I NEED A BREAK! That being said won't you please make my day a little brighter by reading, enjoying and reviewing :)**

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Chapter 6- Why? Just, why?

It seemed with each day that passed James T. Kirk became more and more convinced that his crew was out of their minds. Not only that but that they also had a death wish. Every single last one seemed set and determined to get themselves killed. These crewmembers were the ones who most certainly needed the rules.

JTK141: Ensigns, I realize Mr. Chekov is the ensign you tend to…look up to…but he's lying when he says Russian roulette is a fun party game.

PC- It is a fun party game… but I never said it was safe.

JTK- If it was fun, why are three people in counseling for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

PC- I plead the fifth.

S- The "fifth" is no longer valid.

MS142: Sulu, I appreciate the gusto which you approach every hobby of yours with but your new engineering hobby is fraying my nerves. It stops here.

HS- But… fine. My plants are feeling a little neglected and it's cutting into my practice time for fencing. Plus I need to polish my ancient guns. I also need t-

MS- Enough Sulu!

NU143: Don't dare people to jump off the warp engines.

LM144: Ramming your head into a wall repeatedly should clearly be a bad idea so I don't see why you have to be told.

S145: I am absolutely certain there is no logical reasoning behind Opposite Day nor do I see any reason to participate in it. Especially when you insist that I wear a clown suit and do "somethin' real funny".

PC146: There is no reverse, quit asking.

HS147: Do not hang a sign over the entrance to the botanical garden that says "Little Shop of Horrors" in red ink.

LM148: Look Ma, no hands. Look Ma, no brains! Enough said.

LM149: Scratch that, I do have more to say. No bicycling in the corridors.

JTK150: Do you remember the 500 umbrellas incident? Well now someone has ordered 1000 fishing poles. Fishing poles in space? That's completely useless and there are only a little over 400 people on this ship. Why do you think we need 1000 fishing poles!

NU151: Do not play creepy instrumental music over the shipwide intercom on Halloween. That was the scariest night we've ever had and people started huddling in the rec. rooms all swearing a ghost was on the ship.

PC- I swear, he was standing in my sonic shower. I wasn't imagining things.

HS- Sure you weren't.

LM152: I regret to inform you that you survived your daily bout of idiocy which means I'll have to deal with it tomorrow.

JTK- Are you talking about me?

LM- Now what would make you think that?

MS153: To the person who I'll not name that put the grizzly bear in Engineering, you left the ID tags on the collar.

JTK154: Invincibility is not something humans are gifted with, why don't you seem to know this?

PC- We know now.

HS- No more testing is required.

JTK- Good boys.

PC155: Rope, fun to play with, not to eat…it doesn't digest well.

LM- Why in blinking blue blazes did you eat rope, Chekov?

PC- It seemed like a good idea at the time.

S156: You are not to put suicide, homicide, and bananacide (which I can only assume is defined as the murder of a banana) under the organized sports heading on the recruiting pamphlet for the Enterprise.

HS157: Do not paint "redrum" in red paint multiple times on the hallway walls. It's starting to scare the more superstitious crewmen.

NU158: Kevin Riley is henceforth banned from the main rec. room!

KR- But Nyota, I said I was sorry.

NU- For what you did, that isn't good enough.

MS- What did he do, lass?

KR- It was an accident, honest. She bent over at the wrong time and I wasn't looking where I was going.

NU- He saw where he was going.

MS- That's it, I'm not getting in the middle of this.

LM159: That's not what a broom is for and it doesn't go there.

HS- I don't think I want to know.

PC- I do :)

JTK160: Your job is not a cruel and unusual punishment, it's your job. You are not to send reports to Starfleet Command saying that I'm punishing you cruelly and unusually.

S161: Large pots of Plomeek soup are not to be left outside my door in an attempt to "appease" me.

PC162: In Sovi-

HS- Don't even think about it.

HS163: Overused statements are the enemy.

NU164: Pink is the enemy.

JTK165: Do not install playground equipment on the bridge.

S166: Yes, I bleed green. No, I'm not Irish and I even checked with Lady Amanda to be certain.

LM167: You may not give up your monthly physical for lent.

MS168: Haggis is the food of the gods.

HS169: Sushi is the food of the gods.

PC170: Russia is where the gods live.

NU170: If you're going to talk about "the gods" then please identify which ones.

JTK171: The playground equipment has been removed… and replaced with torture devices. I want them off the bridge yesterday.

MS172: Art classes in Engineering, as it turns out, are not a good idea.

LM173: Sickbay not Cargo Bay you morons.

S174: Please do not leave twenty different wedding themed magazines and a tuxedo outside my door.

PC175: Declaring all out war on the floors has lead to several injuries and so the floors and the leaders of the resistance are ordered to draw up a peace treaty or there will be repercussions.

HS- The floors must die!

NU- We will fight until every last floor is defeated! To battle!

HS176: Do you really have to be told not to run with scissors? Well, don't do it.

NU177: There is no "kiss of death" and you are not to try to invent it.

LM178: Don't be surprised if you nearly die when you inject yourself with poison on a dare.

S179: There is not logical reason for duels to death over ice cream when you can replicate all the ice cream you want.

MS- Were they seriously battling to the death.

LM- Just ask the ensign with the broken ribs and arm here in Sickbay.

JTK180: Stop being so suicidal you morons…I mean crewmen.

Apparently the rules were making Starfleet Command a little suicidal too if their response to this particular set of rules was any indicator.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: So, not sure if anyone is still interested but here's the 7th chapter. From now on chapters will be posted on the third week of the month, not necessarily always the same day of the week but always the third week. This chapter has special guest stars at the end. Read, enjoy and REVIEW :)**

* * *

Chapter 7- Let's Not Do the Time Warp Again…Please.

Time travel was always tricky business but Captain Kirk was beginning to realize his crew had a certain lack of respect for that fact. He'd just have to straighten them out. Not that it would necessarily work.

JTK181: No, you may not go back in time to stop yourself from boarding this ship.

MS- Now I'm offended. I take that as a personal insult to my ship.

JTK- Your ship? I think you mean my ship.

LM- That's not a fight you're going to win, Jim.

S182: Do not, when we have travelled back in time, leave you stations and gather in the cafeteria to sing and dance to "The Time Warp" from _The_ _Rocky Horror Picture Show_.

MS183: Let's do the time warp again!

NU184: Let's not.

JTK- The two of you, no using the rules to resolve arguments.

LM185: Put William Shatner back where you found him. I don't care if you think his resemblance to Captain Kirk is funny.

PC186: Who put Rasputin in my bedroom? Get him out of there.

HS187: You are not to bring opposing samurai from feudal era Japan aboard the ship for entertainment purposes. It's not so funny any more when the one has beheaded the other, is it?

S- Actually, it is to my understanding that the crewmembers who brought Kenji and Danzo aboard planned on letting them have a go at you.

JTK- You're on a first name basis with them?

S- They apparently think I'm some sort of demon and answer any questions I ask them.

HS- Umm, I'm in mortal danger. I think that's a little more important than Mr. Spock's relationship with the samurai.

JTK188: This ship is not a mall. Quit operating stores out of your rooms, setting up food courts in Cargo Bay, and movie theatres in the rec. rooms.

S189: You are not to travel back in time to get autographs from famous historical figures.

JTK- Least of all from John Hancock.

MS190: The assembly line method is not to be used to get dressed in the morning. It isn't a good idea no matter what Mr. Ford says.

LM191: Yes, Nurse Chapel does have her own personal firing squad and she will stand you in front of it if you steal her medical supplies.

HS- Who would join a firing squad?

PC- Better question, has anyone been shot?

NU192: Back to the 80's…

HS- Back to soap

PC- Back to Rocky

JR- and Cherry Coke

CC- Those were the days

KR- and we go

MS- Back to the 80's

LM- Say, hey there Mr. T

JTK- Put Twisted Sisters on MTV

S- I don't understand. 192 is not a rule and why are you writing verses about returning to 1980's earth and the things that were popular then.

NU- Well, that was a mood killer.

PC193: Do not order 1,573 pairs of leg warmers.

JTK- I don't know why you (whoever you are) think we need that many leg warmers when we're in a ship that regulates the temperature for us so that we won't need those kinds of things! Moreover, it's just stupid to order that much of anything!

HS194: Samurai do not like the song "Butterfly" by Smile d.k.…not one bit.

JTK195: Please return all artifacts to their proper places in the time line we are in. You shouldn't be taking them in the first place but I know some of you are too curious for your own good. You know who you are.

JTK196: Please don't treat the Salem Witch Trials as though they were entertainment (i.e. bringing buckets of popcorn, soda and candy and making out in the back of the room).

PC- That last one in parenthesis wasn't for me, was it?

JTK- Take a wild guess, Pav.

S197: You are not to father or mother children with people from the past or future.

JTK- Is that in reference to me?

PC- Looks like I'm not the only one getting rules made.

S- Actually it is in reference to Mr. Riley.

NU- Kevin!

KR- I'm innocent, I swear.

HS- Yeah, right.

LM198: All injured pirates are to be sent to Sickbay for treatment and then immediately beamed back down to their ship.

MS199: Greek philosophers are not to be stranded in Engineering.

PC200: What happens in 1985 stays in 1985… until it goes to 1990 where it effects 2020 and then nearly unravels the fabric of time and space if not for the timely (pun not intended) intervention of the _Enterprise_.

NU201: To Hikaru and Kevin, Shakespeare doesn't care which of you can do a better Lady Macbeth.

HS202: Well, Da Vinci doesn't like the art exhibit you set up in rec. room 5.

NU- How dare you! I spent weeks on that exhibit!

JTK- Break it up!

LM203: Clara Barton will not replace Nurse Chapel, I don't care if she's nice. Christine gets the job done and gets it done even if it requires roughing up you numbskulls.

S- Insults are unnecessary when making a rule, Doctor McCoy.

LM- And you're one of the worst numbskulls on this ship.

JTK204: Gary Seven's cat, Isis, is not allowed to be on this ship EVER again.

S- Do you not like cats?

JTK- It's not that. Isis is a vicious mongrel.

S- Hmm.

LM- You know, we haven't really addressed travelling to the future.

JTK- That's because the future already addressed it for us. Here's the last rules for this week. They just typed themselves up on my PADD this morning.

J-LP205- Captain Kirk, please return the officers you "barrowed" as soon as you've finished with them, particularly Mr. Data.

GLaF206: Mr. Scott is not to experiment with my visor.

BC207: Dr. McCoy needs an attitude adjustment

WR- I couldn't agree more. I need to get out of this sickbay and fast. Nurse Chapel is nice and all but there's a singing Irishman next to me named Kevin Riley and this woman with checker board hair won't stop fussing over him… Janice Rand something or other.

LM- :p to all of that.

W208: Yes, Mr. Chekov and Mr. Sulu, that is a security risk and no matter how you beg and plead I will not allow it.

PC- Killjoy!

HS- Not even bribery will work?

DT209: The women of both _Enterprises_ are clearly the only ones with any sense.

NU- Hear, Hear!

S- That is debatable.

D210: Is it not obvious that I am not a clone of Ambassador Spock? If not, then I feel that I must point out that I am an android and thus any DNA relation to him of any kind is impossible.

JTK- Thank God. I love Spock but one of him is plenty.

Starfleet seemed to disregard their usual insanity to interrogate them about their trip to the future. They didn't get much. The crew had been too busy at the time trying to figure out how to get Einstein back to his appropriate timeline without Starfleet Command finding out. While they were successful on that end they discovered later that they'd forgotten to return Data and had to head back to the future but that, in Captain Kirk's opinion, was another set of rules to make later.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I know, I said the second week of the every month. But school started up agian and I've been busy and stressed and trying to get back into the swing of things. Well, I'll start posting at the time I said I would from now on. Anyway, read, enjoy and review :) This chapter has special guest stars.**

**Update 1/26/13: So, a sweetheart of a review pointed out to me that I started couting the rule numbers wrong by this chapter. I'm really bad at math, what can I say. So, I've fixed 8-10 so that they have the right numbers. Which means I've actually hit the 300 mark. Props to me. If you're inclined to reread this then feel free. If not, don't worry, I'll update soon. **

* * *

Chapter 8- Movie Mania(cs)

JTK211: The blue shirts are not Ravenclaws, the yellow shirts are not Hufflepuffs, the red shirts are not Gryffindors , the senior staff (Spock, Scotty, Bones, Pav, Ny and Hikaru) are not Slytherins and _I_ AM _**NOT**_ VOLDEMORT!

S- Who is Voldemort?

PC- DON'T EVEN TYPE THE NAME!

S- Jim?

JTK- Just go with it.

S- Fascinating. You do realize, Mr. Chekov, that fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.

LM- What ever you say, Hermione.

S- I am going with it but I still do not understand. Also…

S212: Who is Robbie the Robot and why do you compare me to him?

LM213: Do not hand me a copy of "Patch Adams" and tell me to watch it and take notes.

MS214: FREEEEEDOOOOOMMMM!

KR- O_o

CC- It's from "Braveheart".

NU215: Darth Vader is not real.

PC216: Yes, he is.

NU- No he isn't. He's an entirely fictional character from the "Star Wars" saga of movies. You guys will believe anything.

HS217: [link] The Imperial March.

JTK218: The rules are for rules only.

LM219: Movie night is canceled because we are not watching "Chicken Run" for the TWENTIETH time in a row!

S220: May we, then, watch "The Dark Knight"?

LM- You want to watch that? Are you okay Spock?

S- I am well, Doctor, there is no need to inquire after my health. I wish to watch this particular movie because I wish to study the philosophy and moral dilemmas presented therein and the characters' reactions to them.

JR- And The Joker was pretty amazing.

MS221: And it has bagpipes :)

NU222: I'd really prefer to watch "Mean Girls".

PC223: You're crazy!

HS224: How about "The Last Samurai".

JTK225: THESE ARE NOT RULES!

S226: Neither is that.

JTK- Whose side are you on?!

S- Logically the only answer is logic's side.

JTK- :(

S- I do not understand.

LM- It means he's thinking about that last statement.

S- I see…

LM227: Movies can and will be banned from this ship if we've all been made to watch it twenty times too many.

MS228: Stop putting Scotch tape in my bottles of Scotch.

NU229: Darth Vader does not stalk the hallways at night.

PC230: Yes he does.

HS231: How about "The Matrix" instead?

JTK232: AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!

S- Are you not well, Jim?

LM- I hope he isn't having a manic episode from being forced to watch "Chicken Run" too many times.

MS- FREEEEEEEDOOOOOMMMMM! With bagpipes :)

NU233: Shouting toilet paper (or anything else you may need) at the top of your lungs outside of your room will not make it magically appear.

PC- It makes people bring it to you so they don't have to hear you anymore.

HS- Yeah, but this person was really waiting for it to magically appear.

MS- They'll be doubling up at the rate this ship's inhabitants are losing their minds.

S- That is a coinage of one of The Joker's lines from "The Dark Knight".

LM- No, it couldn't be.

S- But it is.

LM- I give up.

PC234: As it turns out, "The Fifth Element" is love. Isn't that great?

S- I believe that that is scientifically impossible.

LM- Said the Vulcan.

JTK- What have I told you two about bickering? Do you want to go to couples counseling…again.

HS235: Okay, let's watch "Enter the Dragon". It has Bruce Lee :)

JTK236: Darth Vader is not making improvements on the ships engines.

MS- I don't know, my wee bairns are running better than ever.

NU- Bairns? As in the engines? Alrighty then.

LM237: Darth Vader did not break your arm. You probably did that while being an idiot.

S- Jim, a spherical space station has been spotted off our port bow.

JTK- Noted. What's going on in the lower decks?

KR- I heard a strange humming noise earlier and then it just stopped.

JR- People are claiming to have seen a man in a black cape and helmet walking down the hallways, sir.

CC- Maybe it's just someone pulling a prank.

HS- I heard raspy breathing in the corridor I'm in. I'm scared. Oh, I know what we should watch, "Chicken Run" :)

LM- -_-

NU- Maybe I was wrong about the whole Darth Vader thing.

PC- Finally she admits it!

MS- I swear I just heard… I don't know, a cape swishing around only a second ago and there was strange breathing, like it was forced. What's going on around here?

LM- I don't know, but if this is some sort of sick prank...Whoa! I just saw some sort of flying saucer zoom right past the window I was looking out of.

JTK- I'm ordering an all stop.

DV238: Governor Tarkin, you shall die for stranding aboard this Force-forsaken ship. Everyone here wears primary colors. Moreover they're highly idealistic. It's disgusting and I want off.

LO- That's what you get for letting him blow up Alderaan, you slime!

LS- Hey Han, was the weirdly shaped ship we just passed by Imperial?

HS- I don't think so, kid, it had a serial number on it and it wasn't the kind the Empire uses.

C239: Raaaauuuugggghhhhh!

O-WK- Very funny, Chewbacca, but we know you can type in perfect Basic.

LC- Greetings from Bespin :)

DV- This is getting worse by the second.

JTK240: What the heck?

But the story behind that little adventure and the rules it produced was for another day in a galaxy far, far away aboard the starship _Enterprise_.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: So, it's been awhile. Can I just say that I'm terribly sorry and that while I have some valid excuses for not getting back to this sooner I feel just awful about it. I won't hold you up for too long but let me just say that I'd like you to read and enjoy this but would love it if you review and give me some much needed feedback :)**

******Update 1/26/13: So, a sweetheart of a reviewer pointed out to me that I started couting the rule numbers wrong by this chapter. I'm really bad at math, what can I say. So, I've fixed 8-10 so that they have the right numbers. Which means I've actually hit the 300 mark. Props to me. If you're inclined to reread this then feel free. If not, don't worry, I'll update soon.**

* * *

Chapter 9- Messing Around in the Mess Hall or Rec. Rooms Can = Angry Kirk

The rec. rooms were meant for relaxation and having fun as equally as the mess hall was meant for relaxing meal times. So why was it that both gave Kirk the worst stress? Perhaps it had something to do with all the crazy things his crewmembers would get into in both places.

JTK241: You cannot live in the rec. rooms.

HS- Collective groan of displeasure

S242: You may not stock up for a supposed apocalypse. There will not be any apocalypse and the supplies are taking up necessary space in the cargo hold.

LM243: Rec., as in recreational, room _not_ wreck the room.

HS- Kevin started it.

KR- Did not!

HS- Did too.

KR- Did not!

NU- Now, now children, don't make me put you in timeout.

JTK- Listen to your mother kids.

PC- I sign on and this is the conversation I see. What's going on?

S- The Captain and Lieutenant Uhura, for some unknown reason, now believe they are Lieutenant Sulu and Ensign Riley's parents. However this is impossible. There is only about ten years of difference in age between each pair which would mean that the Captain and Uhura would have to have had them when they were around their preteen years and while it is possible for a female human to get pregnant at that age I highly doubt that such a thing occurred between them and resulted in a child of Asian descent and a child of Irish descent.

LM- Spock?

S- Yes, Doctor.

LM- Shut up.

MS244: You may not hold auctions for food in the cafeteria.

PC245: Chanting and pounding your forks on the table whilst demanding food will not work on replicators.

NU246: Please do not misplace yours or anyone else's vital organs.

HS247: Please remove the poles from rec. room 5.

PC- Ignore him.

KR- Duly ignored.

JTK247: Should you decide to put on a performance of "Hamlet" or "Macbeth" I must remind you of our ship's record with Shakespeare performances and remind you that you will be doing so at your own risk therefor.

S248: Bowling in the corridors is no longer permitted.

JTK- You mean it was permitted before? When did that happen?

S- Remember when the bowling club asked for a space to bowl at and you told them to use the corridors.

JTK- I was joking.

S- That may be Captain but they took you seriously. However, after the accident involving the alien ambassador we transported last week to a conference, I do not believe it should be permitted any longer.

JTK- Yes, I agree completely. But how were we supposed to know bowling balls looked like the eggs of an endangered species from his planet?

LM249: Don't make a mess in the mess hall, that's not why it's call the mess hall.

MS250: Do not label _everything_.

NU251: Don't rip up tissue paper and throw it all over the cafeteria.

HS252: Please get rid of the poles in rec. room 5 already. It's not that hard to do so just do it already.

NU- Hikaru, while I agree completely that they need to come down, why is it that you want them down that badly.

JR- He's the one that put them up.

CC- Then why does he want them down?

JR- Because I'm holding his plants hostage until they come down.

NU- You go girl :)

JTK253: Why would you order 100,000,000,000,000 door knobs? We don't even use door knobs anymore. When I find you, whoever you are, I'll throw you in the brig!

JTK254: Do not…

S255: set fire to your hair,

LM256: crank call Klingons or Romulans,

MS257: play football on cafeteria tables,

NU258: release the kraken,

PC259: play hot potato with live grenades,

HS260: or tell Starfleet Command to- don't tell them anything.

CC- Well, that's one way to write the rules.

KR- I guess that does get it done a bit faster.

JR- I'm confused. So, we're allowed to crank call Klingons and Romulans, release the kraken and all that other stuff now? Is that it?

LM- You're naturally blonde, aren't you Yeoman Rand?

JR- Yes, why- Hey now, that was a legitimate question. The way those rules are written is confusing. There's no need to make fun of me.

JTK261: Why would you try to build a skyscraper in the main rec. room?

S262: There is no logical reason for speed dating during your shifts.

LM263: All nurses will return to sickbay immediately!

CC- Not on your life! We'll come back when we're good and ready.

JR- Something up?

CC- Riley's in for a fractured patella and he keeps himself occupied by singing.

JR- *shudders*

MS264: My kilts been stolen again.

JTK- Oh, we are not doing this a second time. Whoever has it give it back this minute or it's your hide.

PC265: Russia :)

S- That is irrefutably not a rule at all, Ensign.

PC- :P

LM- :P

JTK- Why are you sticking your tongue out at Spock via emoticon too, Bones.

LM- It's Spock, why else?

JTK- *sigh*

HS266: If a crewmember needs to get in shape they will either do it on their own or get advice from a doctor. In other words, you are not to force them to take the Jefferies tubes to get to and from places on the ship as a means of exercise.

LM- Thank you Mr. Sulu, all that crawling around was giving me a hunched back.

NU267: This ship does not have a kill on sight policy for anyone not wearing a red shirt.

MS- I think security's excuse for that was something about rebalancing the yellow to blue to red shirt ratio aboard the ship.

JTK- I don't care what it was, I barely escaped with my life and I'm the captain of this ship.

S268: Cells in the brig are not to be rented out as make-shift apartments.

MS269: There is no "we're in an opera day" and let me remind you that most operas end tragically.

JR- Something tragic is always happening around here so I think we're safe. Just the other day one of my favorite orchids died on me. Now that's tragedy for you.

JTK270: What is Gangnam Style and why is it randomly done during meal times.

Somehow they had lost their focus on the issue of rec. rooms and cafeteria all over again.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Yes, the 200 mark! Sorry this took so long to get out to you. A lot of stuff, bad and busy, has been going on with me lately. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Anyway, read, review (I luv 'em) and enjoy. Also this "/" represents static, I didn't know what else to do so that's what you got, sorry.**

******Update 1/26/13: So, a sweetheart of a reviewer pointed out to me that I started couting the rule numbers wrong by this chapter. I'm really bad at math, what can I say. So, I've fixed 8-10 so that they have the right numbers. Which means I've actually hit the 300 mark. Props to me. If you're inclined to reread this then feel free. If not, don't worry, I'll update soon.**

* * *

Chapter 10: Alternate Universes

The Mirror Universe had wrought feelings of horror and disgust in the crewmembers unfortunate enough to experience it. Captain Kirk hoped never to relive it and if he never found himself in that universe again it would be too soon. It also led to some interesting rules that had Starfleet beyond baffled.

JTK271: Your alternate universe self cannot do your shift for you.

S272: Mirror Kirk is not allowed in Engineering for logical reasons.

LM- More like obvious reas/

Mirror-JTK273: Poker night is not to be used to stage Agatha Christie-esque assassinations. Demanding we then solve the "mystery" is equally disallowed.

Mirror-S274: Medieval torture devices are only allowed to be used on holidays.

Mirror-PC- Well, there go my plans for this evening.

Mirror-HS- Could someone let me out of this Iron Maiden already, I need to itch my nose.

Mirror-JTK- :D lol

Mirror-MS275: Engineering is not the proper place fo/

MS276: -r ice skating in your underwear.

JTK- What is going on with the rules?

S- I believe that, somehow, the rules that our Mirror Universe counterparts are making are bleeding over into our universe. I will need to do a further study on this phenomenon before I can present a proper theory or explanation for it.

LM- He never can say things in simple terms.

NU277: That's not an alternate universe, that's your shower.

PC278: We do not have snow days on this ship and you may not manufacture one.

HS279: You are not to pretend to be deaf when given an ord/

Mirror-NU280: Please don't assassinate anyone in the lower ranks, it does nothing, they just replace it.

Mirror-MS- Not that those ensigns don't have it coming, mind you.

Mirror-PC281: Agonizers are not to be rewired to act as tickleizers, I know, I tried to do it and they made me write this rule as punishment. Then they used the agonizer on me.

Mirror-HS- REVENGE! :D BWAHAHAHA!

Mirror-HS282: Voltaire's "When You're Evil" is not Captain Kirk's theme son/

S283: You are not to reprogram the computer to speak in a foreign language, dead language, made up language, indecipherable language, gibberish or Old English.

JTK284: Speculation about an alternate universe where Spock is a woman is to end immediately.

PC- :D

JTK- I'll kill you.

PC- Death threats are against the rules, remember.

S285: It is not magic, it is the transporter, and you are not to tell people otherwise.

LM286: Don't switch out my hypos for knitting needles.

JTK287: Do not order 3,765,109 bags of dog treats.

JTK- When I get my hands on you, whoever you are, you are seriously going to regret it. All of i/

Mirror-JTK288: Your life is forfeit if you touch my coffee, I'm not joking.

Mirror-MS289: Brownnosers, stuck-up-nosers, and stuffy-nosers will be shot on sight.

Mirror-KR- Especially if that nose is stuffy because of a cold. Colds decrease the efficiency of the entire crew.

Mirror-S290: "All hands, battle stations" is not to be construed as a knock-knock joke.

Mirror-LM291: Sleeping pills not anesthesia. What is wrong with you people and that stuf/

NU292: Sanity is not an organized sport.

PC293: Neither is insanity.

HS294: You cannot have your alternate universe-self to make you a sandwich.

JTK- Spock, have you fixed the PADDs so they aren't picking up the Mirror Universes rules yet?

S- Almost, si/

Mirror-PC295: When in the midst of torture you are not to call time-out fo /

LM296: No, Frosty the Snowman isn't real. No, he isn't out to get you. No, he didn't steal your socks.

NU- Some people will believe almost anything.

JR- Some people will believe that I'm a natural blonde if I just say so.

CC- Poor deluded fools.

KR- Wait, you aren't naturally blonde. The betrayal, it stings!

PC- My heart is broken.

HS- My dreams are crushed. Beat that Pav.

/

Mirror-S297: Please do not paint "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here" over the shuttle bay doors. It's accurate but far too telling.

/

S298: You are not to mine the Jefferies tubes with explosives.

S- Doctor, I will require medical attention when I am done here.

LM- You'll get medical attention when I'm no longer the owner of cabinets full of knitting needles.

/

Mirror-JTK299: There is no such thing as Pretend You're A Famous Dictator Day, especially if you dress up as me.

/

JTK300: Spock needs to hurry up and fix this thing.

In the end Spock fixed the problem but not before a brief moment where Kirk and Kirk argued.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Back with more! This time Starfleet Command in throwing in their two cents about matters. Please read, enjoy and review.

* * *

**Chapter 11: Starfleet Command Rules Too**

301. You are not to tell primitive natives of a planet than you can/will call the wrath of potatoes down on them.

302. It is not your planet and you cannot force people off it if they offend you.

303. Do not start playing the quiet game when we hail you.

304. You may not rename The Enterprise "Titanic", it's a bad idea Kirk.

305: That thing you all did to the Klingon home world with bacon and toilet paper, don't do it again.

306. No, you may not have a cookie.

307. Whoever keeps your mission logs has been altering them to read like bad romance novels.

308. Do not order 1.5 trillion empty cardboard boxes. What did you plan to do with those?!

309. We do not need delivering from the tyranny of floors.

310. Stop sending us unusually erect bananas.

311. We're not an evil empire controlled by the Sith, what are Sith?

312: Do not threaten ensigns with cannibalism.

313. Harry Mudd's wife and an army of her robotic copies are not to be unleashed upon unsuspecting enemies.

314. You may not host a cattle ranch on your ship.

315. Do not reenact an episode of "Lost in Space" by getting lost in space.

316. Stop nonchalantly picking your nose during meetings.

317. Do not have spelling bees during negotiations with Romulans.

318. Do not scream in bloodcurdling terror and agony for no reason.

319. We do not like C4 and you are to stop sending large quantities of it to us by mail.

320. You are not the Mafia of 1920-30's Chicago.

321. None of you have "the moves like Jagger" and you are not to practice these moves you don't have on table tops at official Starfleet dinners.

322. Can't you people go a week without getting into a near disaster situation?

323. "Biology" is not a good enough reason to alter your course, especially if you aren't Klingon.

324. We won't ask about the scorch marks on the toilet but don't let it happen again.

325. "The alien entity that feeds off negative emotions made me do it" is not a good excuse.

326. You all have questionable sanity, all of you.

327. Food fights are not only a waste of perfectly good food but they are not the answer to interdepartmental conflict.

328. You are not to file for bankruptcy under the name "Y. O. Mamasfat", you don't have to file for bankruptcy ever first of all, but especially don't do it under such a name.

329. You are not to use rooms not designated as bathrooms as bathrooms.

330. Please do not hack a loogie on the faces of alien ambassadors, unless that's not considered an insult, however it may be considered a marriage proposal so…just be mindful of whom you hack loogies on. Don't hack loogies on Starfleet admirals.


End file.
